4E FOOTBALL REPORT 4U

ISSUE #1: “The Afterdraftmath!”

Good morning, fellow assholes in contention for my rightful trophy! After a brutal, BBQ-soaked, finger-licking struggle for lineup supremacy, the 3rd annual 4E footballs draft is over; tears were shed, blood was spilled, and sweat was absorbed into fine linen goods—and when all was said and done, the teams were FINALIZED. Drafting your team is only HALF the battle, though—the waiver wire represents a desert fraught with the scorpions of defeat. “Should I take a gamble on Bishop Sankyouverymuch? Shall I drop my defensive line for the Jags?” It's up to you and whatever shitty roto site you visit daily to help you up this perilous mountain of veritable coinflips and “fuck my TE” tantrums. I wish you all best of luck, but not really.

In honor of Brian's previous power rankings, I will hereby offer my own cursory look at each and every newly-drafted team's potential (with the exception of Greg's team, which has zero.)


SPILLER ME TIMBERS
“Big Vegas Stakes”
I like Allison's team; who doesn't love Steve Gostkowski? On one hand, Demaryius Thomas is going to be spoiled fucking rotten by benevolent god Peyton “4head” Manning; that man will catch more balls than Bryce Harper in a Cole Hamels VR simulation. Andrew Luck is another guy who seems to worship the right religion, given his fast and furious “Manning who” approach to commanding his beloved Colts. But what of big chunky brick walls like DeMarco Murray, Jason Witten, and Andre Ellington? Questions about reliability and possibly health could crowd the field here—but the upside is also remarkable. With the odds that the new Cowboys offensive coordinator will make a splash, I'm thinking Arby's. It's a gamble worth taking, not unlike choosing Charmander first in any Pokemon game.


BIG BIRD'S COCK
“Sesame Streaming”
Rounds 6-7 will live in infamy for Greg, forever known as The Toby Gerhart Effect. Bullshit RB picks aside, how does the future look? Forte and Matthews are a solid pair; they could form a successful burger franchise and have less than 2 or 3 fumbles on the year, easily. Alshon, Jordy, and Salsaman round out an agreeable WR Corps, as well; none of them carry a health hazard on their cards, which is always a big plus. On the QB side of things, Greg is the proud recipient of Tony Romo Browntown, a perennial
favorite of tiny children, mental patients, and professional dutch ovens. However, the backups—Eli Manning and Fat Schaub—are less than stellar. I need not remind you all that my team last year sucked a shitbrick through a tiny straw, regardless of owning All-Day. I firmly believe this was because of said Manning and Romo combination fucking me over. So Greg, buddy, take precaution and be prepared for this dastardly duo to shit the bed, and pray that salsa dancing occurs sooner than later.


BIRDO AND THE GAYTRIPPERS
“Grab Bag 2014”
You'd expect a guy who placed last to be more prudent with the draft, but this was not the case; Timmy defaulted to autodraft and allowed the angels in heaven to decide fate for him. Lucky for him that I dropped Peterson, allowing him to freely scoop up the big bad dawg, as well as secure Aaron Rodgers in a neat 1-2 punch. This, combined with an RG3 steal, already gives Timmy a massive boost in fantasy relevance, not unlike George RR Martin. Guys like Cordyboo Patterson and Michael Floyd could, in fact, hold massive Mewtwo potential in the long run, perhaps learning moves like Psybeam and TD Vulture in the yawning days of winter ball. Add in Emmanuel Sanders—the newest member of the Mannarchy—and you have a promising team destined to claw out of Birdo's pit of despair. The only question, of course, is whether Gronk will break one limb or two.

JAMAALDAY ERRYDAY
“Storm Johnson And His Amazing Friends”
Jamaal Charles. Frank Gore. Julius Thomas. Is this a football team or the fucking cast of the Avengers movie, because that is some serious power to start shaking at people. Caitlin's team, unsurprisingly, kept Jamaalio 64 and continued to acquire a balance of bighouse WR mens like Julio Franco Jones and Sammy Watkins, as well as potential aces TY Hilton Hotel and Juicebox Bell. Big Burger may have his struggles, but Alex Smith is just as good at doing things like running in circles and driving cars up very steep roads. Caitlin has a little of everything, except of course for a kicker who knows how to handle his fucking liquor. Watch for Frank Gore to grow horns and look even more pissed than he already is in his twilight year.


FRED HAS FORSAKE ME
“Panthers, Dougs, and Shorts”
Cam Newton and Greg Olsen work together so well, they were the inspiration for the Oscar-winning film “I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry.” Superman and son will bound over most tandems, sans Manning and his twenty fucking children. In terms of ground power, Andrew's signed both Shady McCoy and Doug “Dice Roll” Martin to lucrative contracts which include a full bed and breakfast combo. Doug Martin may or may not deserve the eggs on toast, but could easily earn the full continental with a bounceback year. Guys like Cobb, Tate, and Shorts will have their feast or famine moments, as well—but if they can get decent handouts, the ceiling is higher than Knowshon Moreno after realizing he signed with a shit team in a shit state. We can all look forward to the Chiefs defense beating the fuck out of us, seeing as much as 20 points roll in, outscoring our running backs, and making us want to die. 

FOREVER FOURTH
“Sankey Very Much”
Brian's lineup is an endless Smash Bros “Challenger Approaching” alarm; with guys like Icky Bicky Sankey, Johnny Football, and Julian Edelman 2.0, you never can tell who will break out (in bees or hives.) Eddie Lacy and Reggie Bush round out a strong running plan, while Jimmy Graham will continue to make every other TE/RB look like utter dogshit. As for QB powers, Kaepernick and Rivers not only sound like a cool detective show on ABC, but also offer a great midway duo with dependable value and even better upsides. Wes Welker's floor might get ugly, but victory could be SUHWEET. Forever Fourth may be Thirsty For Third, Sashaying Into Second, or possibly Finally First.


PABST PLUE RIBBON
“BEAST MODE TIL DOOMSDAY”
I like Jimmy's approach to someday own the Seattle Seahawks; so much so that he drafted just one solid RB besides Lynch, because we wouldn't want to make Lil' Marshawn jealous of any competition, would we? Besides the gutsy “fuck Rbs I have Beast Man” approach and daring draft of the Seahawks D, I do quite like the QB combo of the stalwart Breeze and the ginger savior. Jimmy's WRs all have great upsides, providing that The Good and Gentle Marquis of Colston recieves his health share of touches. Kendall Wright, RECxpert of the Realm, is also a great pickup to utilize in the new PPR environment. Poised for a comeback, the awfully named Plue Ribbon will surely reach Drunkcon 9 in terms of ruckus and rushing yards.

POROUS BRIAN
“Never Send A Computer To Do A Man's Job”
I could just say “Greg's autodraft waited til Round 16 to pick up his first QB, Sam Bradford” and leave it like that. But then I'd be remiss in stating that Greg's autodraft also saw fit to pick up such winners as Ray Rice, Dwayne Bowe, and America's Favorite Bust, Arianfreddykreuger Fosterthepeople. Although toughguy Bengals like Gio Bernard and AJ Green populate the roster, as well as potential French mountain LeVeon Bell, the bench roster leaves much to be desired when BYE weeks come a knockin'. Truthfully, Geno Smith is a rollercoaster; he can put up either 25 or 2 points any given Sunday. The trick will be to scout the waiver wire to eventually dump his ass when the theme park ride wears at its welcome. Can Reggie Wayne and Stevie Jackson prevent an incoming Birdo to the Poor Us, Brian weep machine? Greg's got some work to do to mitigate his Quarterbacks, but has the stuff to make a potential trade happen.

HIGH-DEZ 3D GRAFIX
“The Unholy Trinity”
I had a dream; a dream of owning Dez Bryant and Megatron on the same team. Long since thought impossible by climate scientists and zoologists, the Binding of Forte afforded a rare opportunity to pick up Mr. Calvin, and I took it, also picking up Michael “49er's seriously have just one WR lol” Crabtree, completing the Evil Triforce of WR Ceilings. My sinister cackling aside, the QB situation is very much enshrouded in question marks. Stafford is ranked highly, true—but also has a tendency to drop shit like Enola Gay on a trip to the Pacific. Between Cutler and former protege, Josh Clown, it will be a weekly guessing game as to who won't be drooling at the kids table. In terms of RB, an absurd staff of Johnson, Jennings, and Jackson offers upsides from all, but also tremendous perils in terms of their shitfucker teams and QB captains. My Christmas list: that Zac Stacy's saintlike ascension continues, and Riley Cooper sidesteps whatever fuckers exist on the Eagles “roster.” 

And there you have it, my honest take on every team. I'm sure I'll be eating my words and then shitting them and eating them again, but hey, I'm a former champion so fuck you. I look forward to writing you all again, once Week 1 is over, so we can laugh about how much more points our benches scored over our starters!

---Stevie B.