Week 7 Power Rankings

1.	Kodz (0) threw one directly down the drain in Week 6 after rattling off four straight massive victories over hapless self-drafted teams in one hell of a fantasy stretch over the course of the last month. DeMarco Murray had no interest in laying down and dying on Monday night to save the streak, but Kodz maintains a hundo lead in points over the rest of the league in falling to 4-2, so it’ll take at least one more slip-up to drop him from the top spot here.
2.	Timmard (+2) continues to stumble and bumble his way up the ladder in 2015, upsetting the big dog (Teddy?) and grabbing the top record in the league at 5-1 for now. Tim’s 83 quarterbacks dominated opposing secondaries and he avoided low scores across the board to turn an “M” upside down against Kodz. To make matters worse for everybody else in the division, Tim draws an extremely easy schedule over the next three weeks and could have a playoff spot locked down in no time with continued dumb luck.
3.	Greg B (-1) jumped 7 to 12 guns and talked shit early and often in a matchup thought to be long in the can all throughout the late afternoon on Sunday before a primetime surge from Steve nearly shanked him HARD. A remarkable mishandling of injury reports in the heat of battle almost forced some drastic measures going into the Monday night game for Greg, but Odell Beckham decided to reward stupidity once again and Dr. Dong plows into the midway point of the season with a solid sniff at playoff positioning in a very winnable league.
4.	Steve (-1) gets clowncranked again in the power rankings after taking a major cockshafting over the weekend, but at least there’s solace in knowing he’ll easily butterbarge the beefkitties in Week 7 to get back on track (then subsequently get ranked no higher than third because get fucked, Steve). The top four teams in the league squared off over the weekend, causing a bit of a clusterbone atop the rankings here, but look for things to jimmyjob themselves out in the coming months as the season unfolds.
5.	Alison (0) strung together nearly 200 points and slapped a third straight win onto her record in convincing fashion in Week 6, but remains in the 5-hole due to a less-than-stellar opponent. DeAndre Hopkins and Chris Ivory continue to do things, and Alison’s season is suddenly looking up.
6.	Caitlin (+1) dropped the softest of hammers on Mikey and picked up a much-needed win despite five single-digit point performances by her suddenly nameless roster. Hovering at the .500 mark, Caitlin has just as good a chance as anybody but would greatly benefit from some upgrades in the personnel department.
7.	Brian (+2) dug himself out of a damning 1-5 hole with a smooth, borderline silky road victory in Jimmytown (formerly Burlington, population consistently right around 137.2). Brian’s roster for the week consisted of Cam Newton, Jay Cutler, Justin Forsett, Giovani Bernard, Antonio Brown, Travis Benjamin, Mike Wallace, Antonio Gates, Julius Thomas, Brandon McManus, and the Broncos D/ST, and that’s a comprehensive list for you.
8.	Jimming (-2) put some players into his lineup and a few of them scored several points and a couple others probably didn’t, I don’t know. Does it matter?
9.	Andrew (-1) has scored by far the fewest points of any non-Mikey team in the league in 2015, and another low-100s output once again spelled trouble (and spelled it incorrectly), as Alison was able to easily diagnose a win in the Sloanzone in Week 6.
10.	Mikey (lim n→∞ 1/n) took yet another loss and fell to 0-6 as concerns over his whereabouts and possible actual death begin to mount among league sources. Is this a ghost team captained by a legitimate dead guy, or can Mikey right the ship and finish 1-12? Only time will tell, but if he shows up at the draft next year, somebody send Mikey a bottle of Jack because shit, being blacked out in the draft room can only help his cause in the long run. I refuse to check the schedule, but start getting the commemorative mini-coffin ready for Mikey if he plays literally anyone next week, because elimination is right around the corner.