Week 5 Power Rankings

1.	What’s a Quarterback?	Kodz (+1) managed to pull off a victory despite getting a whopping 4.5 points from Ryan Fitzpatrick and an even more impressive -0.6 from Geno Smith. Arian Foster carried Greg past the dismal Fightin Fittez with a very strong performance. Good showings from his TE, D/ST, and Kicker gave Greg the win this week but he desperately needs to improve at the QB spot.
2.	Nefarious Thomas	The Arizona/Denver game was a great one for Alison’s (+3) team. Andre “Beef” Ellington got her a very nice 30.4 and Demaryius “FUCKYOSHIT” Thomas ran a goddamned marathon and got her a massive 42.6 points. Thomas was 20 yards shy of outgaining all four receivers Brian started against Alison. Demarco Murray and Vincent Jackson had decent weeks, as well. Even her kicker joined in, earning her an impressive 21 points. Even if Thomas only does half as well next week, Jimmy is going to be in trouble.
3.	Russell’s Muscles	Andrew (+1) earned his fourth victory thanks in part to outstanding efforts of Russell Wilson. Wilson had 200 yards throwing and over 100 rushing along with 3 total touchdowns. Golden Tate and Greg Olsen had good games as well, helping Andrew best Caitlin this week.
4.	Jamaal the Single Ladies	Caitlin (-3) is in sole possession of fourth place after this week; behind the 3-way tie for first but ahead of the 5-team, 2-3 clusterfuck below her. Jamaal got his third single digit performance of the four games he has played so far this season. She’s going to need more out of her keeper if she wants to move back into first.
5.	Arsenic and Ed Lacy	Brian (-2) finally got a good week from his keeper Eddie Lacy. Brian Quick and Phil Rivers performed well also but it was not enough to make up for the rest of his team and nowhere NEAR enough to make up for the extraordinary beatdown issued by one Demaryius Thomas. Brian hopes to return to the form shown in previous weeks against Steve’s lackluster team.
6.	On Eagles Wings	Don’t look now, Greg (+2) got a positive score from his defense! A great score, actually. 18 points from his defense helped move him up the ranks to 2-3. Matt Forte was a major factor this week, as well, getting 32.6 points for our former champion. With the right moves Greg could continue to improve from his poor start and make a run for the playoffs.
7.	Where’s the Beef?	Jimmy earned his third loss of the season this week due, in part, to a poor performance form The Black Unicorn, Martellus Bennett. DeSean Jackson and Marshawn Lynch had good weeks, but beyond them, there wasn’t much for Jimmy to hang his hat on. Maybe Jimmy can ask the Beefcat to help pump up his team for next week.
8.	Victory Shmictory	Tim (+1) had mediocre week but had the benefit of playing Steve this week. Tim advances mostly due to the travesty that is Mikey’s offense.
9.	Ball Game Over	Mikey(-2) had a season low 110 points this week. He only had three people earn more than ten points and saw his put up an awful score of -8. He also lost Montee Ball to injury. On the Brightside he got 57 points from his quarterbacks… but still managed to lose by 45.
10.	Lion Down on the Job	Steve (0) put up a dismal 115 points this week dropping him to 0-5. Steve is far and away the favorite to win(?) the Birdo this year. He still has not won a game and has the lowest points for total in the league. To top it all off, his star player, Calvin Johnson, is dealing with a high ankle sprain which could lead to him missing a lot of playing time.