4EFFFFFL WEEK FOUR E-POWER RANKINGS EXTRAORDINAIRE by Andrew Sloan

1.	Jamaal's Well That Ends Well	Caitlin (+2) bravely wipes away her tears and climbs back to the top of the rankings with a league high score and a righteous thrashing of bottom-dweller Steve. A limp-wristed display by Nick Foles didn't slow her her trip to 3-1 down one bit, largely because of Steve Smith's well-orchestrated middle finger salute to his former Panther teammates. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, 'cause Charles is indeed back in charge after a monster Monday night game. Caitlin threw down almost 200 points and left another 60 sitting on the big bench. Gods help us all if Cait can keep this up.
2.	For Whom the Bell Trolls	Former wifebeater Greg K (-1) got in an elevator this weekend, but this time it was HIS unconscious body being dragged out into the hotel lobby by Andrew. Four players on bye and a weak showing at the QB position got Greg to drop a dollar in the pot for the first time this year, the damn 3-1 cheapskate. Just like any good bro in a guinea tee, look for Kodz to bounce back and go alpha-prime apeshit against Mikey in Week 5.
3.	Ragin' Cajuns in Reggae Town	Brian (+2) is marching full steam ahead, posting up a huge 185 points en route to two W's in a row and an even 2-2 record. His second big performance in two weeks puts his tough season start way back in the rear view mirror. Smart fantasy plays by the guy called "Science" are making the Rasta crew a serious threat to the top teams so far. Allegations of HGH/steroid use are starting to roll in as Brian saunters into Week 5 a close second in points-for.
4.	Eat My Shorts, or Don't	Andrew (+1) edged out previously undefeated Kodz this week to improve to a solid 3-1. Someone ought to call a gambling hotline, because this guy is really just rolling the dice week after week. Surprisingly, risky moves putting in Roddy White and Doug Martin paid some dividends this week, at least enough to sweep under the rug a second consecutive chump change week by Shady. Lady Luck is a McCoy and fickle mistress; while the ceiling is high, it looks like there's always someone in the hospital wing, keeping the floor lower than a fat kid that just dropped a lollipop. Look for Andrew to be shopping for butt protectors this week ahead of the weekend's clash against Caitlin.
5.	No Percy? No Mercy!	Alison (-3) scraped by Timmy to improve to 3-1 this week. With a dismal game by the Pats and without her team's namesake, Alison struggled to put big numbers on the board. The consistent trio of Andrew Luck, Matt Ryan, and DeMarco Murray are getting the job done though, hopefully without risking back injuries as they carry her team onward. A win is a win, however, and she takes this big W into a pivotal Adam West matchup with Brian next week.
6.	Chieftain Beeftain	Jimmy (+2) put together a solid showing in Week 4, beating Mikey with aplomb to secure his second win for a 2-2 record. All of Jimmy's starters put up a score of 10 or higher, a standard of consistency which nobody else can claim yet this season. Acquisitions Victor Cruz and Martellus Bennett combined to nearly 40 points, making Jimmy look like he had cool hands all along.
7.	Fightin' the undertoe	Mikey (-3) succumbed to a second consecutive loss to fall to 2-2 on the year. Such things happen when Tom Brady is stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey; and Marshall, Maclin, and Sproles all fall short of 10 points on the weekend. This week's byes mean that Mikey's Broncos (Manning, Ball) swap with his Dolphins (Tannehill, Miller) for a tough week against Easton leader Kodz.
8.	The Cat's in the Bag	Greg (+1) might be starting to realize that the Panthers are in fact on the inside and working against him. With great showings from Eli and Jordy Nelson, Greg had a very strong week. In fact, 173 points marks the 4th best performance so far this year. He will do well to remember to only waste that effort on teams that can be stopped. Slipping to 1-3 proved unavoidable for our favorite genitals expert against Brian and his rage-induced-ultra-violent-GigaBrian-like murder spree. In addition, new kids Vernon Davis and Donnie Avery are both battling injury concerns, presumably suffering broken hearts after being traded to Greg. Womp.
9.	Milk Duds, Anyone?	Timmy (-3) came up (not) big this week with a handful of duds to fall to a lowly 1-3 on the year. This week's performance of 134 points was nothing short of underwhelming. The future isn't so bleak, however, with Emmanuel Sanders and Carson Palmer looking to shine in Week 5. Turn that little pink kart around there, Timmy, there's plenty of futbol left to play!
10.	Hi Deaf 3D Self Deztruction	Steve (0) is really biting down on the pillowcase with an 0-4 start, the worst our humble league has ever seen. The first week of byes made Steve drunk at the wheel as he picked up Bears D/ST, which was promptly feasted upon by Rodgers and the Packers. It wasn't completely self-inflicted though; the football gods have claimed Megatron's ankle for their own, for now. Unfortunately, Steve's unprecedented pace of failure makes him early front-runner for the dreaded Birdo.