Week 4 Power Rankings sponsored by Brawndo, the thirst mutilator!

1.	#WithAplomb	Dr. Greg (0) had a clinical week against an ailing Beefsquad to improve to 2-1 on the season. Greg has been diagnosed with a mild case of Julio-sis in his ballsack and he has absolutely no plans on picking up a prescription for it. This past week Greg was blessed with some meaty matchups; we will see if Johnson can dick his way to the top next week as well. Down the road, if the stars on Greg's bench get their HP back, it will surely spell trouble for the rest of us.
2.	#Conflagration	Cait (+3) has been setting up her powder keg of a team to explode like a Chinese chemical plant and sure enough it happened all over Steve's smug mug this weekend. 30 point performances from four players led the charge out of last week's mire. 233 points brings Caitlin back atop the order of the Adriances, completely overshadowing both the success of one brother and the despair of another.
3.	#LilSumpnSumpn	Tim (+3) flexed his muscles with a strong showing against the defending champ this week. Steve Smith did most of the heavy lifting and probably had the best fantasy performance of his twilight year. Unsustainable? Maybe, but my projections are showing that he'll bring in anywhere from 75 to 1024 points in the coming match-up against Dickdoc.
4.	#BugInTheButter	Lowering the flags to half-mast has been Brian's (-2) main task following the untimely death of Big Dan. He and sidekick Antonio Brown still nearly did enough to keep Andrew's head below water, but the future cannot be more unclear with Mike Vick taking the reins of the Steelers offense and whatever the hell is going on with CJ Anderson. Slick moves going forward will be critical. Next week should tell us how much money is in the banana stand.
5.	#OhKodzNotAgain	Mr. Autodarft (+5) is back in a big way and really making my fucking head hurt. 8 points at the QB position? That doesn't matter now that Le'Veon's back and AJ Green is running hog-wild over anything with hashmarks. The Patriots, responsible for 40 of Greg's points last week, will be on bye for Week 4. Look for Greg do nothing and/or let Yahoo!/Skynet provide some managerial magic against Andrew.
6.	#CandleInTheWind	Stevie (-3) and his inferno didn't do bad for a bunch of cub scouts. Steve's team performed well (4 players pop-pop'd for over 20 points) but looked like a smoldering cigarette butt next to the "Tianjin Tyrant". Author's recommendation: SPF 250. Next week we will see if Steve's fire-type moves can be super effective against the ire of Bugcatcher Brian.
7.	#EqualOpportunityEmployer	If you are a running back with a job, it's pretty unlikely that you went to work for Alison (-3) this week. It wasn't a bad weekend from her guys-that-catch-things personnel, but a mortal Andrew Luck has been tempering the squad in the worst way. Hopefully this season's biggest case of acute tourette's isn't chronic. Here's to a having a strong game face against Caitlin in Week 4 Blood Bowl rematch.
8.	#LuckIfYouBuck	Andrew (+1) rose above all expectations this week - not on the field, of course, but by not being delusional enough to rank his own dumb ass at the top of the rankings like every other literate fuckwit so far. Randall Cobb's bromance with pigskin-mancer Aaron Rodgers enabled Andrew to eke out the Monday night victory against the Bananas in Pajamas. This team has issues to sort going forward; the diagnosis will be downgraded from murder to aggravated assault if Andrew keeps leaving 28 point performances on the bench.
9.	#ChooChooChooseSomebodyElse	Jimmy's (-2) victory train stopped a bit short of Shiningtime Station this week with complete scattershot fucking up my excel regression lines. Big showings by AP, Brandon Marshall, and Larry Fitzgatsby were undercut severely by lackluster throwsmanship at the QB position. Even more worrisome are the knocks that Marshawn's hammies keep taking and the box o' chocolates lukewarming the bench. Big weekend for Jimmy's "pride" as he faces an 0-3 Mikey next.
10.	PPwhat	Mikey (-2) should know by now that you can't win with two receivers dropping goose eggs on the score sheet, even if your defense scores its own pair of touchies. If Mikey minds his P's and Q's he might be able to snag his first victory of the year at home versus the Beef.